I’m one of the fakest people you’ll never know. In my day to day life I hide behind raunchy and shocking humor when I’m around the people I like. When I’m around people I dislike I hide behind my rude and blunt honesty. At work I’m known as the asshole who knows more than whomever happens to be standing in front of me and isn’t afraid to let everyone know it. Within my family I’m the black sheep, which is easier than it sounds because instead of me working to keep everyone at a safe distance they do it for me. To my neighbors I’m just a nice guy…nothing exciting I’m sure…just your average guy who always waves, always smiles, and doesn’t mind chatting as I walk from my car to my front door. The only people who really know me are the ones I let see the vulnerable and uncomfortable me…the ones I run to for advice…the ones I reluctantly open up to. They are the ones I’d sacrifice for. They’re the ones I can honestly say I love. There are only two of them, and if you have to stop and wonder if you are one of those two people, then you obviously are not. The rest of you, despite knowing pieces of me, do not really know me and probably never will. I’ll continue to let you think you do, though. I’ll play the part you’ve come to expect. Whether it be the out spoken dickhead who hates everyone and aspires to be better than everyone at his workplace, the funny guy who can always make you laugh, the smart guy who makes you feel like an idiot, the gay athiest family member who is on his way to hell with the rest of the faggots, or the really polite next door neighbor. I like the fact that so many people think they have me figured out. It makes it possible for me to keep them off of my mind and away from my heart. There are even times I regret letting the two people I love so much know the real me. Its painful sometimes, feeling so close to someone. It opens you up to a whole new world of insecurities and fears. I have no idea where I’m going with this. I’m high. I ramble when I’m high.

Two days of the most vile massages of hate filling my inbox. I have no idea what I did to make some of you hate me so much. Most of them are anti-gay and if that’s all I had to do to be bludgeoned by hatred, then I’m not sorry. Because it’s you who have the problem, not me or my sexuality.

Telling me how I should kill myself, what horrible things you want to happen to me, how ugly I am and how much you hate me is a waste of your time. I know I don’t have much of a purpose, I know I’m not cute, and I don’t really like me either…but you have no right to talk to anyone this way. It’s hurtful, but I can deal with it. It bothers me because I know there are other people out there who can’t deal with it and I hate thinking about what they end up doing because of what hate filled and ignorant people like you say to them. I don’t wish anything bad on you but I hope your eyes are opened one day. 

I’m a magnificent problem solver and lucky for you, I have a fresh example:

This older lady was walking down the sidewalk approaching my house about an hour ago singing, shouting and praying to God. While I respect people’s right to believe whatever nonsense makes them feel like their pitiful lives are meaningful, I felt it was rude. Just like I don’t walk around yelling at the top of my lungs “God is fake“…its a mutual respect thing. But I didn’t say anything. I even smiled when she got to the corner of my property.

One of my Dobermans was in the front yard with me at the time and she didn’t like that lady’s religious screaming either. She stood tall by the sidewalk (but still in my yard) and looked intimidating, like Dobermans tend to do when they see religious nut jobs singing and shouting in public, and then she growled. The lady stopped and actually said, “No, dog! I rebuke your evil intent in the name of the Lord! Go away!” and then turned to me and said, “The Lord told me to stop right here.“ 

My dog wouldn’t have bothered her in the first place. She was only curious as to why this lady was shouting at nobody. But she stopped and tilted her head to the side, I can only assume, in amazement at the old lady’s stupidity. I walked over and, as politely and calmly as possible said, “ma’am, shut the fuck up. The Lord didn’t tell you to stop. My dog did. And don’t speak to her that way or I’ll have to let her kill you.”

The lady left.

Problem solved.

Fairness exists nowhere. A mass of injustice, misunderstandings, broken hearts and shattered dreams thrown across every man’s existence is the true definition of life. Love and happiness are fleeting conditions of little importance when you realize they are falsities. True love is in our imaginations. It’s a desire to belong to someone. A desire to have a place. This is absurd and is an unsustainable notion in today’s world. Old ways of true love are long passed and not quickly enough forgotten. The memories of something so pure and invigorating which will never happen again are what makes this life so intolerably cruel. 

There has only ever been one man who was truly in love with me and he died in 2004. All this time I’ve been trying to find someone who understood me the way he did and could love me the way he did and could make me feel safe the way he did but I need to just accept the fact that you can’t get that lucky twice.

Inscribed in 8 of the world’s most prevalent languages and 4 dead languages, is a message. The relevance, meaning, and intent of the message has been under constant debate since the day it was erected in 1980. Many people believe it to be a call for reasoning and an evolution in the thinking and in the actions of humanity. Others, mainly a subculture of Christian extremists who call themselves “The Resistance” and are led by a man named Mark Dice who refers to himself as “John Connor” (seriously), have been calling for it to be demolished for years saying it is Satanic and is the Ten Commandments of the Antichrist. Just like Christians to fear what they don’t understand and blame it on the devil.  

The Message of the Georgia Guidestones:

1. Maintain humanity under 500,000,000 in perpetual balance with nature.
2. Guide reproduction wisely - improving fitness and diversity.
3. Unite humanity with a living new language.
4. Rule passion - faith - tradition - and all things with tempered reason.
5. Protect people and nations with fair laws and just courts.
6. Let all nations rule internally resolving external disputes in a world court.
7. Avoid petty laws and useless officials.
8. Balance personal rights with social duties.
9. Prize truth - beauty - love - seeking harmony with the infinite.
10.Be not a cancer on the earth - Leave room for nature - Leave room for nature.

1. Abundance of fried food: It’s terribly unhealthy but it agrees with my stomach. Fried okra, fried bananas, fried peppers, fried potatos, fried everything…amazing. The greatest genius who ever lived is the man behind the deep fryer. Although nobody can seem to agree as to who this person was, it was eventually modeled into the deep fryer all of us southern people know and love by John Joyce. So thank you, John Joyce :)

2. The weather: Although our weather goes from one extreme to the other over night, I love it. The heat is killer and the cold makes my face go numb but its better than freezing my toes off in Alaska or melting in South Florida. Its the perfect middle ground.

3. Spanish moss: Some of you may not know what this is. If you ever visit the south, its the strange yet beautiful gray stuff hanging from the large oak trees. It isn’t actually a type of moss but rather an epiphytic plant and looks similar to a very long gray beard. In fact, one of its most common alternate names is Graybeard. It thrives here due to the moisture and I think its beautiful…even though it can kill a tree if it gets out of control. Anyway…

4. Armadillos: Nine Banded Armadillos (Dasypus novemcintus) are my favorite odd creature here in South Carolina. I can’t explain. Just accept it.

5. Buscuits (and gravy): Buscuits are just one of those things that are infinitely better in the south. You just can’t argue. Absolutely nothing could compare to my Papa’s made-from-scratch buscuits and when he covered them in sausage gravy….TO.DIE.FOR. I could practically live off the stuff.

6. Proliferation of the hip hop culture: This one seems to annoy a lot of the people here but I love it. Everywhere you look you can see the clear influence of hip hop. Whether its the Ford Crown Victoria rollin’ on 24 inch rims and painted purple and orange, or the overwhelmingly large amount of men wearing their pants bellow their butt cheeks…there’s a certain entertainment in it all. Plus, east coast has better rappers and most of those come from the ‘dirty south’.

7. Pulled pork barbecue: I cannot describe this heavenly dish in words. Educate yourself via Wikipedia; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulled_pork

8. Raised pick up trucks on massive tires: I used to find them obnoxious, now I just see sex on wheels. Dodge Ram raised to almost eye level on tires bigger than my Mitsubishi…thats hot.

9. Carnivorous plants: 70% of the world’s wild Venus Fly trap population origiates from the south eastern United States marshes and swamps. You may not care, but I think its awesome lol.

10. Waffle House: Saddest thing about traveling up north or out west is that you eventually have to pass the NMWH (No More Waffle Houses) mark. Its the saddest place in America. There is almost an invisibile line dividing the rest of the US from the part that is blessed with this great 24/7 resturant. Its weird. And depressing.

11. Stupid people: I work with the public, and when the idiocy gets too irritating I have to remind myself that the stupidity of the people around me can be a wonderful thing. Nothing makes me feel smarter than being surrounded by dumbasses.

12. A church for every family: Literally, drive through my town from my house and you only have to be moving for 5 minutes to see 6 churches. It’s ridiculous. Christianity makes me angry. I find religion dangerous and irritating. BUT Sunday morning church gives houndreds of thousands of southern people something to do for half the day which means I don’t have to deal with their slow driving, holier-than-thou attitudes and hateful stares until 1pm.

13. Dancing: If you haven’t experienced dancing at an east coast night club, then you’re missing out. Even at the night clubs that aren’t particularly bumping, east coasters could wipe the floor with west coasters. And they don’t call us “the dirty south” for nothing.

14. GRITS: It’s a joy you yankees don’t understand. Literally the best thing about the south. Except for maybe…

15. Sweet tea: An addiction I can’t seem to kick. Drinking cold sweet tea on a hot summer day while sitting on the front porch in the shade…paradise.